Only Tory donors will really benefit, as Boris Johnson begins handing out multi-billion-pound deals for emergency supplies of Lindt Lindor truffles to his old schoolmates without tender. Smaller cosmetics companies will fail due to an overnight global shortage, causing the cost of smudge-free mascara to skyrocket. Hinge will likely have to shutter, as half of the globe’s population swear off dating for good and join one gigantic WhatsApp support group titled He Wasn’t Worth It, Babes. Perhaps you’ve even seen an increase in full-face masks on the tube, as divorcee tears are said to be able to travel 15 feet across unventilated spaces when propelled by a heartbroken sob. You’ll already have noticed your timelines swamped with social distancing posts, accompanied by devastated illustrative ballads warning of the dangers of letting your spouse come within two metres of Cheryl from marketing. Yes, Adele’s ‘divorce’ album ‘30’ is finally here, and with it widespread societal shutdown. Outdoor exercise is now self-restricted to one stroll a day to gaze regretfully at your ex’s house, and within weeks millions will stand on their doorsteps every Thursday at 8pm to applaud the bravery of Martha Hancock. River Islands the breadth of the nation lay empty as whole swathes of the population shut themselves indoors, binging Viennetta and Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason. As stockpiling fights break out in the supermarket aisles over the last boxes of Kleenex and Lambrusco, it’s clear that lockdown four is upon us.